The daily grind

Started back at my old job today.  I haven't worked at the Health & Wellness Center since before I had Clara, and I love the people and the job, so if I have to work it's a great place to do it. Today was spent catching up with Laura, my boss, and helping with paperwork. Since it's summer, we don't have many clients, which will give me a chance to get back in the swing of things before the craziness starts. So, all in all it was a good day, but it still left me feeling torn about working.

I work part time, and as a part time working mom, I feel like I don't fit in completely anywhere.  When I'm working, I hear from the other women about how great it is to keep my foot in the door, and keep my skills fresh. I hear how getting away from your children and speaking to grown ups, in grown up voices, is a blessing. I  am told that children have to conform to your schedule, since you are the working woman, and the world does not revolve around them.

At the same time, when I am with stay at home moms, I hear about how valuable these early years are in my child's life. About how no daycare teacher, no matter how great, can be as loving or attentive as a child's own mother. I hear about attachment parenting, and making my child feel loved and valued with my time and attention. I hear that money and my own professional goals should never be more important than my child.

I constantly feel like I need to apologize. To the working moms for not working "enough." To the stay at home moms for working at all. But mostly to my children. Today, my first day back, I got that call. You know, the your child is sick call. Daddy had the afternoon off, so he picked Ms O up, put her on the couch, and nursed her until I got home. I hated not being able to drop everything and go get her. When your child is sick, they want their mommy, and only their mommy. At the same time, when I stay home I feel like I constantly have to explain to my daughter that women can work, women can do anything they want, that mommy is just as smart and important as daddy, even if she doesn't bring home a paycheck.

So I've made this compromise, and I'm working for now. And I can't tell you until when, or if I'll work more days, or less days, or give it all up in a month, or never. But I am doing the best that I can, and I am learning more and more each day that none of us women have an easy road, or an easy choice, and that we all want the best for our children, even if we don't know the exact way to get it.